What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar?
by Doko
Summary: Well, after about 6 months of not workin on this, i'm gonna re-write the whole thing, fresh comedy and new styles, expect the first in a couple days...
1. I Start It Off

WHAT WOULD THEY DO KLONDIKE BAR?  
  
Me: Hello everyone! And welcome to the first episode of "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar?" ! Today on our show we have the cast of the game: METAL GEAR SOLID: THE TWIN SNAKES.  
  
(cheesy fake cheering)  
  
Me: Thank you thank you...  
  
(more cheesy fake cheering)  
  
Me: ok...  
  
(even more cheesy fake cheering)  
  
Me: OK YOU CAN STOP NOW FOR CHRISTS SAKE!  
  
(sustained silence... crickets are heard chirping)  
  
Me: ok * ahem * now to meet our first contestant! Solid Snake!  
  
(Snake walks out on stage and sits down next to me)  
  
Me: ok snake, what would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?  
  
Snake: well... I would sneak into a secret government facility, without being noticed and steal one from their break room freezer!  
  
Me: ok...  
  
Snake: oh yeah! Id also aimlessly kill everyone I run into!  
  
Me: ok, that's sort of interesting... OK THEN MOVING ON! Our next contestant is Raiden (even though hes not in TWIN SNAKES, im still putting him in so NI!!!)  
  
(Raiden nervously walks out on stage with his gun drawn)  
  
Raiden: umm... can I tell you from here? I'm still traumatized from the time Solidus and Ocelot stole my clothes and interrogated me!  
  
Me: just come on you nervous little pansy!  
  
(one of the mike operators that's above the stage accidentally sneezes right over Raiden)  
  
Raiden: AHHH WHAT WAS THAT!  
  
(Raiden shoots his gun strait up hitting a sprinkler line in the ceiling... water is now dripping onto the stage)  
  
Raiden: AHH RUN!  
  
(Raiden leaps off stage and books it for the door, knocking over a camera on the way)  
  
Me: ok, GREAT... can we go to a commercial or something?  
  
(COMMERCIAL BREAK, JUST THINK OF SOME SLIGHTLY INTERSTING COMMERCIALS AND IMAGINE THEM BEING HERE, OR JUST GO AND GET A SNACK, I DON'T REALLY GIVE A FLIP! ^_^ )  
  
Me: ok now, on to our next contestant! Revolver Ocelot! (Raiden is heard screaming like a girl offstage)... CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TRANKULIZE THAT PANSY ALREADY? (a gunshot is heard)  
  
Raiden: uhh... ahh...* gaugh *... zZzZzZzZ....  
  
Me: finally! Ok Ocelot, come on out!  
  
(Ocelot walks out on stage but soon slips on the water and slides head- first off the stage and lands on a camera)  
  
Me:... God... are you laughing at me right now?  
  
Ocelot: ow, I think im ok... wait a sec! (Ocelot looks down and realizes that the camera has lodged itself in his stomach) umm... ouchies!  
  
(Ocelot falls down)  
  
Me: ok that's it, this episode is over! (I leap offstage and run out the door, hop in my car, gives the studio sign the finger, and speed off) GOOD RIDANCE! Well, see yall next time on "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar?" !!!!!! 


	2. Solidus Gives It A Try

WHAT WOULD THEY DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?  
  
*** Ok this chapter should take the first one and piss on it, and by the way, IF YOUR GONNA BLAM, FLAME, TRASH, OR SAY ANYTHING ELSE BAD ABOUT THIS FAN-FIC, AT LEAST TELL ME WHAT THE FRICK IS WRONG WITH IT SO I CAN FIX IT OK... well on with the story! ***  
  
Solidus: Hello and welcome to the second episode of "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar", our previous host ran off and went on a mass killing spree after he read all of the freaking reviews he got. So long story short, I was literally dragged in here (I really was, I was trying to take a dump and next thing I know, splat I'm here) well anyway, BRING OUT OUR CONTESTANT!  
  
(Sustained silence)  
  
Solidus: Umm, I said, BRING OUT OUR CONTESTANT!  
  
(The director comes out on stage and whispers in Solidus's ear)  
  
Solidus: He did what? * whisper * With who? * whisper * HE DID!  
  
(The director walks off leaving Solidus to stare at the camera)  
  
Solidus: Umm... I have just been informed that our guest has just been arrested for stealing Barbie Dolls from the K-Mart... So were are going to move the film equipment to the county jail where he is being held, so LETS GET A MOVE ON!  
  
(5 hours and 2 busloads of hired studio audience's later)  
  
Solidus: Hi there, were here at the Orange County Jail taping the second episode of "What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar", due to the fact that Liquids plan to take over the world with Barbie Dolls has failed [don't even THINK about asking about this so-called "plan"], thus leading Liquid strait to jail, but were going to take these lemons and make lemonade!  
  
Random Inmate With British Accent: But I'm allergic to lemonade!  
  
Solidus: I wasn't serious you simpleton! It's a figure of speech!  
  
Random Inmate With British Accent: OH ok, you see every time I drink lemonade I get a rash on my * gaugh * (Solidus is now attempting to break the inmates neck)  
  
Solidus: Ok that's enough from you now.  
  
Random Inmate With British Accent: But why, I just like to speak my mind!  
  
Solidus: Yes that is fine, but we don't need to know about your bodily dysfunctions!  
  
Random Inmate With British Accent: Well I thought I'd just let you know that * crack *  
  
(Solidus precedes to break the inmates neck, turns out that random inmate was being transferred to death row the next day so it's no bigge)  
  
Another Random Inmate: Ok, when you said "figure", did you mean figure as in a math problem? Or as in a * gunshot *  
  
Solidus: OK NOW, glad that's over, well, bring out our inmate, err, contestant! Liquid Snake!  
  
(Liquid waddles out of his cell and trips over his chain)  
  
Liquid: SHIT, my ass, that's the second time today damit!  
  
Solidus: just hurry up and get your blister-ridden ass off the ground and in this chair!  
  
Liquid: What!? How'd you find out about my blisters!? It's my closest guarded secret!  
  
Solidus: Well since we're identical genetic twins, it's oh so obvious that we'd have the same dysfunctions. That's the good thing about being test- tube babies.  
  
Liquid: oooookkkk... umm... that's kinda weird, but I guess it's true. Oh.. AND CAN SOMEONE HELP ME OFF MY ASS!?!  
  
Solidus: Can someone help this simpleton off his ass? GUARD, get your donut eating ass over here hand help this guy up!  
  
Guard: y-yes sir...  
  
(The guard helps Liquid up and over to his seat)  
  
Liquid: It's about freaking time! Ok on with the freaking show!  
  
Solidus: Yes yes... OK Liquid Snake, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?  
  
(The power goes out)  
  
Solidus: OH FOR CHRISTS SAKE! WHAT NEXT... I just want to get this dam episode over... well what's your answer Liquid? Liquid!?! (Power comes back on, the chair where Liquid was sitting is empty, a note is stuck in the arm)  
  
Solidus: What the frick, (Solidus reads the note)  
  
***NOTE***  
  
Dear Solidus,  
  
Hated the show, you can go screw yourself, I'm going to make a run for it, oh yeah, tell Solid to screw himself too.  
  
Fuck you with the rage of a thousand angry chipmunks, Liquid ^_^  
  
***  
  
Solidus: Well... I guess this episode is over, well time to go and wait for your freaking reviews, well... Until next time on "What Would They Do For A Klondikì¥ÁM 


	3. Final Episode Part 1

WHAT WOULD THEY DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?  
*** FINAL EPISODE PART ONE ***  
  
*** NO DINGOS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS FAN-FIC! ***  
*** And I Don't Own Any Of The Characters! ***  
  
Doko: Well this is the last episode of WHAT WOULD THEY DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR... but this should be the best of all!  
  
Mob of angry reviewers: NO MORE AUTHOR INSERITONS!!!  
  
Doko: OK ok... umm, who to host the last one... humm... err...  
  
(3 hours later...)  
  
Doko: err... uhhh.....  
  
Mob of reviewers: HURRY UP  
  
Doko: OK, all right... how about... Metal Gear Rex!  
  
Mob of reviewers: NO... it's a machine!  
  
Doko: Alright then how about... Big Boss!  
  
Mob of reviewers: NO... He's dead!  
  
Doko: ... [Persistent aren't they] well, how about you, the mob of reviewers, host it?  
  
Mob of reviewers: Does it pay?  
  
Doko: A little...  
  
Mob of reviewers: ... How much?  
  
Doko: That's for me to know, and you to find out!  
  
Mob of reviewers: ...Tell us Doko! So we can hurry up and get this over with.  
  
Doko: Alright, alright... it pays $5.00 a  
  
Mob of reviewers: Hour?  
  
Doko: No... $5.00 a  
  
Mob of reviewers: Day?  
  
Doko: OK will you quit interrupting me for 1 second and let me finish!  
  
Mob of reviewers: OK ,ok... just tell us!  
  
Doko: It pays $5.00 a Minute!  
  
Mob of reviewers: Jesus... Saves, that's a lot! No wonder you stall so much!  
  
Doko: Duh, I'm not filthy stinking rich for no reason!  
  
Random Reviewer #1: The only thing filthy about him is his  
  
Doko: I heard that! (shoots Random Reviewer #1) umm whoops... kind of lost my temper there didn't I... well do yall wanna host it or not?  
  
Mob of reviewers: Well considering you just shot one of us... all right well do it!  
  
Doko: YES... ok you all take over, while I go home and watch MXC!  
  
Another Random Reviewer: But I wanna watch MXC!!!  
  
Doko: To bad MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.... * cough * * cough * ...Ahem... MUHAHAHAH!!!!  
  
Doko walks stage giggling.  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: Ok let's get to it! So who's our first sucker... umm... contestant? Come on don't be shy you little farts!  
  
Rest of reviewers: Farts!?! Nvm that... lets see, Raiden is in a mental ward... Ocelot is dead, we think... Solidus refuses to answer his phone... Snake is on vacation in Siberia...  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: Alright people, lets use our combined brain power to think! Who's not dead or in a mental ward?  
  
Rest of reviewers: umm...?  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: He's a scientist!  
  
Rest of reviewers: ???  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: First name is Hal!  
  
Rest of reviewers: ???  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: He also goes by Otacon!  
  
Rest of reviewers: ??? Still no idea Leader of the Mob of reviewers... By the way, what's your real name? You can't just go by Leader of the Mob of reviewers!  
  
Leader of the Mob of reviewers: For your information its John, John Johnson. The author was on a caffeine high when he thought me up so mind my odd name!  
  
Rest of reviewers: Umm... anyway, HI JOHN!  
  
John: Umm... hi...well moving on, since you guys have no earthly idea who Otacon is, lets bring back Snake, the only person to ever answer the question!  
  
Rest of reviewers: But he's on vacation!  
  
John: Not for long... (John whips out his cell phone, dials Snakes number)  
  
** Ring ** ** Ring ** ** Ring **  
  
Snake: Umm hello?  
  
John: Hello Solid Snake, im here on the set of What Would They Do For A Klondike Bar, and I was wondering if  
  
Snake: Wait a sec, I was already on that show!  
  
John: But since you're the only person to ever answer the queston, were asking you to return!  
  
Snake: Sorry but no, me and Meryl are on vacation  
  
John: (whispers into phone "Ill Cut You 15% Of My Pay")  
  
Snake: Ill be right over!!!  
  
John: That takes care of that he he he...  
  
A huge ball of light appears above the stage, Snake and Meryl drop out of it, Snake is wearing a Hawaian shirt over his sneaking suit, Meryl is wearing 3 layers of wool coats)  
  
John: What the hell!  
  
Meryl: Its us, its us! We used snakes magic toilet seat to get here.  
  
John: OH NO, Snake landed on his head, you know what this means!  
  
Meryl: Oh shmit!  
  
Snake: Jimmy had corn on his squirrel!!! 7! COOKIES!!  
  
John: Oh great, umm, (picks up a brick) you know what to do with this Meryl!  
  
Meryl: Yep  
  
Snake: Don't Star 69 a paramedic, they might not give me an enema! 43 with sugar on top!  
  
Meryl: This will hurt you more than it hurts me Snake! (Meryl proceeds to twak Snake across the head with the brick, thus snapping him back to reality)  
  
Snake: Uhh... what happened? OH I fell on my head didn't I, sorry!  
  
*** Twak *** *** Twak *** *** Twak ***  
  
Snake: Im ok now! You can stop Mery!!!  
  
*** Twak *** *** Twak *** *** Twak ***  
  
Snake: Ahh stop!! My ever so beautiful scalp! Your ruining it!  
  
Meryl: OH sorry Snake, well are you ok?  
  
Snake: Yeah, yeah, ok ask the question!  
  
John: Ok Solid Snake, what would do AGAIN for a Klondike Bar?  
  
CONTINUED IN PART 2 


End file.
